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MARCH 2004
3.31.04
taking finger pointing to the "Nth Degree." Now that Condoleezza Rice is going testify before the 9/11 commission, we thought Republicans and Democrats might want to think about all that finger pointing. It is surprising really, because these are accomplished people. And you think they could do more with their fingers than point at one another.
What about shadow puppets? Those testifying could cast either donkeys or elephants on the wall and answer to the question they've been asked. Evidently, one or the other is always appropriate. Or there's alwasy that great old hand game, rock, paper, scissors. Paper would be the Democrats, scissors the Republicans and rock, well rock would be the sort of wild card, sometimes the CIA, sometimes Saddam, sometimes Osama bin Laden.
We'll leave the details to the people who are actually involved, except to say that, it would be good to see them stop giving eachother the finger.
3.29.04
Taking last words to "The Nth Degree." Don't you hate when you think of the perfect thing to say, but it's too late? The door has been slammed, the phone is put down, the other car has pulled away? Well, that problem may now be a thing of the past. See, a new Web service called Lastwishes.com allows you to compose a final e-mail message, sassy, snappy, sappy, whatever, which will be sent out once you're -- how shall I say this? Dead.
Think of it, spam from the grave. I told you I wasn't feeling well. Where is that five bucks you owe me? Elvis is so dead I'm looking right at him. You were never my first choice.
Too bad the wonderful writer and Oscar-winning actor Peter Ustinov didn't know about the Web site. He was once asked what he wanted on his tombstone. He replied, "Keep off the grass." After a long life well spent, Sir Peter died yesterday at the age of 82. Let's hope an e-mail is coming.
3.24.04
Taking product placement to the "Nth Degree." A young British novelist named Carroll Matthews is being paid by Ford Motors to have her characters in her books and stories drive the company's cars. A certain Matthews herein for instances, whizzes around in her "Rather snazzy Ford Fiesta complete with six CD-changer, air conditioning and thoroughly comfy seats. It's a pity, we think, that some of the great novelist of the past didn't have access to such an extra source of income. Their lives would have been more comfortable and their works a bit different. "Call me Ishmael," the old sailor said, holding a loft a mug of Frosty Cold Old Buzzard Ale, the official ale of the professional Whaler's Association. Elementary, my dear Watson, only Fortnum and Bowser individually wrapped trinkle treats, Toughens the Tin are worth killing for. It is a far, far better rest than I go to than I am ever known upon a custom made Chumlies Mattress with built with lumbar support at no extra charge. Boy, talk about being born too soon.
3.23.04
Taking product placement to the "Nth Degree." A young British novelist named Carroll Matthews is being paid by Ford Motors to have her characters in her books and stories drive the company's cars. A certain Matthews herein for instances, whizzes around in her "Rather snazzy Ford Fiesta complete with six CD-changer, air conditioning and thoroughly comfy seats. It's a pity, we think, that some of the great novelist of the past didn't have access to such an extra source of income. Their lives would have been more comfortable and their works a bit different. "Call me Ishmael," the old sailor said, holding a loft a mug of Frosty Cold Old Buzzard Ale, the official ale of the professional Whaler's Association. Elementary, my dear Watson, only Fortnum and Bowser individually wrapped trinkle treats, Toughens the Tin are worth killing for. It is a far, far better rest than I go to than I am ever known upon a custom made Chumlies Mattress with built with lumbar support at no extra charge. Boy, talk about being born too soon.
3.22.04
Taking specialized employment to the "Nth Degree." We don't generally circulate help wanted notices. But this is an unusual case and perhaps our patriotic duty. The Homeland Security Department is looking for someone to serve as its Hollywood liaison, the job which might pay as much as $136,000 a year plus benefits involves providing strategic counsel to entertainment industry figures. Basicly making sure they get all the details right if they portray the Homeland Security Department in Mission Impossible 10 or the OC. Applicants, need to be U.S. Citizens with security clearances and a minimum of one year of specialized experience. Specialized experience in what? Are there other jobs? Does the CIA have a PR rep on Broadway? Is there a Food and Drug Administration guy in the recording industry seeing to it that lyrics nutritionally copacetic? Secretary Ridge, we'll help you fill the position. But you've got to tell us what the speciality really is.
3.19.04
Taking brands to "The Nth Degree."
Mr. Peanut has had a makeover. The brand character for Planters still sports a top hat, monocle and cane, but now he's -- well, he's trying to be hip. In new ads, the 88-year-old Peanut plays B-ball, cares about carbs and even shakes his nuts.
It may seem undignified, but let's be honest. Being an old brand character isn't easy in this youth-obsessed age. Don't believe me? Just ask the old Brawny guy. Sure, he was hot for a while, but the '70s porn look is out. I hear the new Brawny guy never even said thanks; 83-year-old Betty Crocker was replaced with a younger model. That was eight years ago. She's probably due for a bit of Botox.
Aunt Jemima is still around, of course, but she's had to endure endless face-lifts and tummy tucks. Companies want their brand characters to be multicultural, accessible. And there's certainly nothing wrong with that. But we also think there's nothing wrong with showing your age. And these days, that makes us just plain nuts.
3.18.04
Taking Hollywood to the "Nth Degree." Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" has so far raked in something like 250 million bucks. Hollywood being Hollywood, a safe bet that studio types have seen the light and trying to figure out how to produce their own passion. The memo making the rounds, we imagine, look like this. One, films should focus on modern religion, huge built in audience. Christianity is done, Islam, timing wrong. Two, gruesome prolonged suffering, big thumbs up. Question, how long did Buddha sit under that Whatchamcallit tree?
Talk with PR about possible campaign to build up horrifying nature of trying to keep absolutely still. Perhaps a "Dateline" special.
Three, arouse controversy for months ahead of release. Anything we can do to bait the Mormons? Farfetched, remember in Hollywood, there's nothing is new under the sun.
3.17.04
Taking bombings to the "Nth Degree." Today's terrorists know the value of pictures and they know how to get an audience with big body counts and bloody bombings. That is how fear is spread.
But look at today's pictures from Baghdad. Yes, you will see destruction and beneath the rocky rubble there is death. But you might notice something else, the men digging with axes and shovels and even their bare hands are Iraqi. American soldiers were on the scene but so, too, were Iraqi police and firefighters and rescue personnel.
They may not have the best equipment, they may not have high morale, but they were there. When an Iraqi fire chief was asked why it was detonated, he answered simply, they want to kill Iraqi people. They want to stop the freedom in Iraq.
The cost of freedom is always high in lives and limbs and dollars and cents. And we know in Iraq the future remains far from certain. Today, terrorists tried to send a message. Today, Iraqis tried to send one back.
3.16.04
Taking the flip-flop to "The Nth Degree." No, no, no, not that kind of flip-flop. We're talking about the age-old political game. A politician says different things to different audiences and holds contradictory views at the same time.
President Bush, who has been for and against nation-building, says John Kerry has been for and against the war in Iraq. Now, we take no sides, you understand, and only want to point out that here you have a handy definition of the term in a nutshell. See, it's flip-flopping when your opponent does it. If you do it, it's a mature and considered change of mind in response to altered circumstances.
One more thing. Flip-flopping is also called waffling. I'm sure we don't have to explain why. I'm also sure we couldn't if we did have to.
3.15.04
Taking irony to "The Nth Degree."
Here is an odd thing. Look at the high-tech weapons at the military's disposal nowadays -- night vision gear, laser-guided missiles, unmanned, remote controlled, computerized, armored gizmos of various kinds. And it seems that, for the modern soldier, combat itself is safer than it's ever been. Certainly there has been much progress in war for warriors, but not for civilians.
That is why pictures like the ones we've been seeing from Madrid are so very chilling. On these trains, there were no troops, no weapons, no GPS receivers, no training, no warning, no voluntary travel into harm's way. This was not a battleground. It was the morning commute. And that is the awful irony. War may be safer than ever in the 21st century. But life is not.
The next war, said Eleanor Roosevelt almost 80 years ago, will be a war in which people, not armies, will suffer. Sad to say, her prediction seems to be coming true.
3.12.04
Terror's victims to "The Nth Degree." A story caught our eye in "The New York Times" today. It wasn't on the front page or anything. After all, it was just another day in Iraq. Two women, sisters, 26 and 29, working for a U.S. contractor. They washed the uniforms worn by American soldiers in Basra.
On their way home the other night, four gunmen surrounded their taxi. They shot one sister five times, the other they shot in the back trying to escape. Both sisters are dead.
The driver, who'd begged for the women's lives, was allowed to live. He didn't work for the Americans.
It's a small story, a terrible story. It's the kind we don't report nearly enough. The women weren't famous, weren't well known beyond their circle of friends and family, but their lives and their deaths certainly do matter. Lika and Shema Fali. That's who they were. We just thought you should know.
3.11.04
Taking cliches to the "Nth Degree." What will people think when they look back at the news of our day and all the newscasters referring to a domestic diva named Martha Stewart. They'll go to dictionaries and see domestic had many meanings, living near or about human habitations, tame, of or relating to the household or the family. And diva is from the Latin for goddess, after which the definition adds see, prima donna, the principal female singer in an opera.
Tame goddess, household singer?
Our descendants will think we're pretty strange either way, hiring people to sing for us at home or with pet goddesses traipsing along in our foot steps like cats with super powers. So, this is for the time capsule, Dear descendants, domestic diva wasn't a category. There was only one. And we think the title, like a basketball players numbered jersey, should be retired. Monogrammed on a tasteful towel perhaps, hung from the rafters, never to be heard from again.
3.10.04
Taking gullibility to the "Nth Degree." In North Carolina a guy walks into a Food Lion store, picks up 150 bucks worth of groceries and pays with a $200 bill. One of these. A, there is no such animal as a $200 bill. B, if there were, it wouldn't say Moral Reserve Note across the top there. C, the serial number wouldn't start with W. D, the presidential portrait would be engraved not be a photo. And then on the back, there wouldn't be signs on the White House lawn reading, "we like ice cream, we like broccoli and no more scandals." The best part of the story, is the North Carolina shopper not only got his groceries, he got $50 in change.
We'd declare a gullibility emergency, except the other day in Georgia a sharp-eyed Walmart clerk foiled a customer at the exact same game. What we say sharp eye, could be the clerk just didn't have the change for a million dollar bill. Anyway, we're inclined to leave the American threat level where it is at yellow. Remember, (UNINTELLIGIBLE) an election year so that could change at any time.
3.09.04
Taking dedication to the "Nth Degree." Alistair Cooke has written his last letter home. Every week for 58 years now Cooke has been broadcasting a 15-minute long "Letter from America" to his native England for the BBC. He's 95 now. And after 2,869 letters from America, Cooke has decided that's enough. 58 years is a remarkable run. Let's put it in perspective. The second World War came and went and there was Cooke. The Cold War came and went and there was Cooke.
Soviet Union disappeared, 12 American presidents were elected, man walked on the moon, the typewriter gave way to the computer, the 20th century gave way to the 21st, we went wireless, digital, .com, nuts and all that time there was Cooke. Filing his polished, insightful, witty letters trying to make sense of this wonderfully inexplicable country. Doesn't seem nearly enough after 58 years of letters from America and decades as the face of masterpiece theater and a dozen books just to say thanks to Alistair Cooke but we do. Thank you, Mr. Cooke.
3.8.04
A life lived to "The Nth Degree." In this age of spectacular special effects, computer graphics, vast digital landscapes, Spalding Gray offered audiences nothing at all to look at but himself. But out of himself, in monologues performed on stage and then in films based on those monologues, he created whole worlds, turning his fears and worries and thoughts and experiences into spellbinding tales.
Life might be hard, Spalding Gray seemed to be saying, but it makes a heck of a good story. (BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
SPALDING GRAY, ACTOR: Look how much of the jungle this movie controls. (END VIDEO CLIP)
COOPER: Asked what exactly he was, whether actor, writer, playwright, performer, Spalding Gray described himself as a humanistic humorist reporter. Someone, in other words, filing dispatches from that sad and funny strip of territory that lies somewhere between birth and death.
3.4.04
Taking tests to the "Nth Degree." The University of Georgia has released 1,500 pages of documents in response to the NCAA and allegations of academic fraud. It turns out Jim Harrick Jr. the head basketball coaches son, taught a class at Georgia, called coaching principles and strategies of basketball. I know, it sounds complicated, but trust me, it wasn't. See, everyone in the class got an A, at least all the basketball players did. Even three guys who missed class and the test. And yes, I say test singular. See, there was only one. A 20-question final. Think you could be a student at the University of Georgia? Take out your pencils. Here are some actual exam questions.
How many goals are on a basketball court?
How many points does a three-point field goal account for in a basketball game?
How many halves are in a basketball game?
Now, if you didn't score well, don't worry. As long as you score well on the court, you'll do fine. See at UGA, no basketball player gets left behind.
3.3.04
Several researchers at MIT say that the Atkins diet can make you glum. Apparently, carbohydrates, the very thing you're supposed to stay away from on Atkins, help the body produce serotonin, and serotonin regulates mood. In other words, this is a plate full of happy. This is a chunk of grim. Fresh-baked smiles. Flash-frozen frowns. Eggs for breakfast, fish for lunch, meat for dinner, maybe some cheese for desert. Then the next day, cheese for breakfast, eggs for lunch, fish for dinner and meat for desert. Protein, protein, protein, protein. Never a little rice to put some spring in your step or a crust of bread to put hope in your heart and a twinkle in your eye.
Here is a word of advice for you: Ravioli.
To be fair about this, the Atkins Institute people say the MIT researchers are all wrong. You can be happy and thin is what they say. But you know what? They seem pretty testy about it.
3.1.04
Taking the typo to the "Nth Degree." Saudi Arabia wants Americans to like them, really, really, like them. They're spending big bucks to improve PR and even attract tourists. The other day it was discovered on a Saudi government Web site that no, quote, "Jewish people would be allowed visas to visit the Kingdom." Today, the same tourist commission Web site posted this disclaimer. "When erroneous information was noticed on SCT's Web site, it was removed. SCT regrets any inconveniences this may have caused."
Wow! talk about embarrassing. The Saudi Web master probably meant to write that, it isn't the Kingdom's policy to deny visitors Visas on the basis of their religion, because that's what the Saudis are saying, now. You know how it is when you're typing fast, instead of Jewish people, maybe they meant to write newish people, meaning little babies, or foolish people or stubborn people, people who are mulish. The Saudi Embassy tells CNN it is investigating how a mistake could have happened. Our guess is fat fingers on a gummy keyboard. Yes that will work.
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